I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
