Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize