Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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