ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize