mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
