i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
