I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
