I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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