I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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