'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
