I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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