Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
