ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
