there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize