I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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