how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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