just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize