I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
