I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
