Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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