Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize