Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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