Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
