You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize