It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I need water and some morals
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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