If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
