i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
