Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I need to calm my uterus...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
