when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
