NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
