If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
