Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
