Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
