Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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