i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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