Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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