Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
