there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just want nice things and good sex
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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