Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize