Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up under a house in Key West
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
