ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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