I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
50% drunk capacity currently
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
