I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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