I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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