Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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