He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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