Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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