at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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