You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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