areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
