i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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