I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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