Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
