My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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