part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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