also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize