Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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